Today is Day 33 of mourning. As of Tuesday things started to shift. I started feeling comforted. I declared yesterday, Day 32, as the day that I chose to engage in life and stop actively searching for a way to do myself in so that I could join Jacques faster.
Pretty much every time I'd google painless ways to die, Jacques's sister would either call me or arrive at the door asking "What are you up to?" as I'd quickly close the window on my Ipad.
I'm slowly moving towards Hope and inching away from Despair. I would do anything to get Jacques back, but I know that if he were still alive, he would still be sick, in agony and in mourning over the active life he'd led before he got ill. I would not wish that on anyone, certainly not on the Love of my life.
I knew that in order to start the healing process that I would have to accept that he got sick, so sick that we couldn't do anything to save him from passing. I'm still angry and sad at how much pain he had to endure. I never knew such pain was possible before. I knew that Life wasn't fair before all of this. His illness hammered that fact home.
I still haven't cancelled Jacques' cell phone, I'm paying Virgin in the hopes that he'll still call me. He's reaching out to me in other ways. He's even getting creative. I can just see him laughing at me.
I can finally look at photos of him and smile without going into tearful convulsions every time.
Have a wonderful day!
xoox
Hi Mme Julia,
ReplyDeleteI am incredibly sorry for your loss, but I am glad to see that you're holding on. I can't possibly imagine how you must feel and have felt. I was a student of yours, perhaps class of 2011? Bref, I meant to say that today, I found your YouTube channel, and I was reminded of how important of a figure you were to me, whether I realized it at the time or not. I now understand the importance of pushing kids (and adults!) to be imaginative, because the gift of creativity is one that will stay with you your entire life, even if you don't realize it. It accompanies you everywhere, reminding you that there is beauty in everything.
I could not find another way of contacting you, but I would absolutely love to hear from you again.
Your very grateful former student,
Maria Sara Florez
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