Day 33 of mourning

Today is Day 33 of mourning. As of Tuesday things started to shift. I started feeling comforted. I declared yesterday, Day 32, as the day that I chose to engage in life and stop actively searching for a way to do myself in so that I could join Jacques faster.

Pretty much every time I'd google painless ways to die, Jacques's sister would either call me or arrive at the door asking "What are you up to?" as I'd quickly close the window on my Ipad.

I'm slowly moving towards Hope and inching away from Despair. I would do anything to get Jacques back, but I know that if he were still alive, he would still be sick, in agony and in mourning over the active life he'd led before he got ill. I would not wish that on anyone, certainly not on the Love of my life. 

I knew that in order to start the healing process that I would have to accept that he got sick, so sick that we couldn't do anything to save him from passing. I'm still angry and sad at how much pain he had to endure. I never knew such pain was possible before. I knew that Life wasn't fair before all of this. His illness hammered that fact home.

I still haven't cancelled Jacques' cell phone, I'm paying Virgin in the hopes that he'll still call me. He's reaching out to me in other ways. He's even getting creative. I can just see him laughing at me. 

I can finally look at photos of him and smile without going into tearful convulsions every time.

Have a wonderful day!

xoox

Grief brain

Just finished reading How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese A. Rando, one of many books which have been lent to me. It has helped me from going insane, on many days. Mostly, I thank my family, friends, colleagues, ex colleagues and the community for offering hugs, love and kind words. Still. Almost 4 weeks have gone by. Life goes on for everyone else, not for the mourner. Not yet. Maybe some day. Still unimaginable.

If you’ve never experienced grief, you are blessed.

Here’s a peek into a grief stricken brain. If you’re wondering how to act or what to say to someone who is in mourning: hugs, condolences even days/weeks following loved one’s death, attention, active listening, soup, cookies, any kind of food (It’s hard to eat or even swallow when in mourning and eating alone sucks), quicks calls and texts especially after dark can save a mourner from doing foolish things, invitations for outings even if the mourner isn’t ready, encouragement without platitudes. Please don’t say “Take care of yourself”. The last thing that a mourner is concerned about on dark days is their own well being. If you’re uncomfortable with words, remember soup and cookies always express love.
Be well.